Constant Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532. 35 cm3 gluten
2. 4. 9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4. 9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236. 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177. 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177. 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4. 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473. 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236. 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient more...

Old Simpson was a constant thorn in the side of the Parent-Teachers
Association, with his steadfast opposition to innovation. For one
thing, he was vociferously against the introduction of foreign
languages in the town's junior high school curriculum.
Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted, "If English was good
enough for the prophets and the apostles, it's plenty good enough for
me."

Anthony`s Law of Force: Don`t force it, get a larger hammer.

Anthony`s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Baker`s Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker

Banacek`s Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.

Barker`s Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.

Becker`s Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "... once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee`s incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")

Belle`s Constant: The ratio of time more...

Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "... once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available more...

16> In a steamy shower, bottle of Nair looks just like bottle of shampoo.

15> Obnoxious frat boys who attempt to ruffle you with a different type of' full moon.'

14> Jason Bateman's portrayal not quite as sympathetic as Michael J. Fox's.

13> Constant wet-dog smell on your car's upholstery.

12> Most people get all freaked out by a friendly get-acquainted crotch-sniff.

11> Confused PETA zealots and their red spray paint attacks.

10> Constant marking of territory required to keep Ed Asner and Robin Williams at bay.

9> Is that Martha Stewart anal or what?!

8> Latest Cosmo poll says back hair STILL a big turnoff.

7> Routine ass kickings from neighborhood pit bull.

6> Having to bail Warren Zevon out of the drunk tank twice a week.

5> Can't stop for a leisurely tongue bath without drawing an envious crowd.

4> Chicks don't dig human-carnage breath.

3> more...