Contained Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was a very morbid girl who had three different boyfriends. She also had a home with three different closets. One of the closets contained old panties, another contained old bras, but the nastiest of all was a storage for used tampons.
One day, she took one of her boyfriends into the closet with all of the old panties, had sex with him, and suddenly locked him in the closet. She left him in the closet screaming for two weeks before he died of thirst and hunger. She did the same with another boyfriend, except this time in the closet with all of the old bras.
It was all going to be a routine for her to do this to the third boyfriend in the closet with the old tampons. However, when she returned a month later to make a deposit to her stash, she found the man alive and well in her closet.
With utter amazement and dismay, no doubt, she asked " How in thee FUCK are you still alive??!!"
The boyfriend cheerily replied " I couldn't have survived if more...

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

A gangster mob is deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing
their next bank. After several previous successful bank heists, they
all
agree on the way to go about it, and in the wee hours of the following
morning, embark on their plans to get rich yet again.
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system got
under way immediately. The robbers were expecting one or two huge safes
filled with cash and valuables, but were surprised (and happy) to see
hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination was easy to crack. Inside the robbers were
surprised to find only vanilla pudding.
"Well" said one robber to the other, "At least we get a bit to eat."
The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the
process
continued until all the safes were opened and there was not a dollar, a
diamond, nor an more...

Sometime after George died, his widow, Trish, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"George thought of everything," she told a group of her friends. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside, handed me three envelopes, and said, 'Darling, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So, I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know George is resting very comfortably," she said.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged a very dignified funeral for George and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending," she more...

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third more...