Cook Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lady to inspector santa: my husband went to buy potatoes days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: why don't u cook something else.

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madame. He has told me himself."
The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madame," said the maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"

Now that he has left office, the REAL story can finally be told.
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to use the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, more...

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the more...

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

The Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

The Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

The Devil said, "I think I know how I can get more...

Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
First, you must remove the plastic cover. In doing so, you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as this would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights. However, you may allow others to smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Now, set the oven using the following keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner which are found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking, then press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and more...