Cool Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532. 35 cm3 gluten
2. 4. 9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4. 9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236. 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177. 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177. 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4. 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473. 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236. 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient more...

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...
When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out more...

Malik returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his
father. Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Pakistani?
No son, that`s because you are intelligent. Malik seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this
because I am Pakistani? No son, that`s because you are intelligent, replies his father. Happy with the answer, Malik poses another question to his father, Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am Pakistani? The father replies, No son, that`s because you are 31 years old.

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General`s office. "Since we weren`t actually at war," the General began, "I can`t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we`ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We`ll start on the left, boys, so what`ll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that`s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that`s 72 inches more...

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling
them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they`re
dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked
his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said,
"Preachers aren`t supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish,
and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down,
the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied,
"That`s the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

LOVE is something beautiful, a desire, a feeling that one would like to catch. LOVE is the feeling that makes you feel alive. LOVE is something that may never go away!

You Are No Longer "Cool" When

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their more...