Count Jokes / Recent Jokes
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: Once is never enough!
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.
Q. How do you know when a guy has a high sperm count?
A. You have to chew before you swallow!!
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise
money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to
your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the
underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you
have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one more...
You might say that a girl has reached the awkward age when she is too old to count on her fingers and too young to count on her legs.
Can we count them with our nose? Can we count them with our toes? Should we count them with a band? Should we count them all by hand? If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out. I will not let this vote count stand. I do not like them, AL GORE I am! Can we change these numbers here? Can we change them, calm my fears? What do you mean, Dubya has won? This is not fair, this is not fun. Let's count them upside down this time. Let's count until the state is mine. I will not let this vote count stand. I do not like it, AL GORE I am! I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit. You have not heard the last of it. I'll count the ballots one by one. And hold each one up to the sun. I'll count, recount, and count some more. You'll grow to hate this little chore. But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand. I do not like it, Al Gore I am! I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here. I've glued my desk chair to my rear. Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too, all telling me that I should sue. We find more...
New rules for dieting!
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of more...