Couple Jokes / Recent Jokes

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no more...

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man’s parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food.
She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat? ”
The groom’s young brother said, “Mommy, I think…”
“Oh, shut up. I don’t want to hear what you think! ” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, “I wonder why they more...

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning Ma`am. What are you doing?"
" Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, `Is this guy blind, or what?`
"You`re in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I`m not fishing. Can`t you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma`am. I`ll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn`t even touch you," grouses the more...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to please,oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would more...

A couple of biologists had twins. One they called John and the other control.

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
Pretend to eat your arm.
Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.