Courtroom Jokes / Recent Jokes

William Joy (37), of Cookstown, Co. Tyrone, is paralysed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair as a result of a fall from a bar stool in 1989. The High Court in Belfast heard during the week that Mr. Joy is suing Michael Newell, the man who owned the bar in which the accident occurred, for damages. He claims that Mr. Newell was negligent for allowing him to sit on a 3 foot high stool while drunk.

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client. .." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word' panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."

"S.A. Schapiro of Milwaukee is suing the Nivea skin-care company because its sunblock failed to keep him from getting sunburned on his vacation,"says Premiere Morning Sickness. "If he wins this one, he plans to sue God for making the Earth too close to the sun."

A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damn bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

ONE DAY A MAN DECIDED HE NEEDED TO HIRE SOMEONE TO WATCH HIS WIFE, WHO HE BELIEVED WAS CHEATING ON HIM. SO, HE HIRED THREE 14 YEAR OLD BOYS TO DO THE JOB. AFTER ONLY 2 DAYS, HE WAS SURE HE HAD WHAT HE NEEDED TO FILE FOR DIVORCE. THEY SAT IN THE COURT ROOM AND THE FIRST TEEN TOOK THE STAND. THE JUDGE ASKED, SON, WHAT DID YOU SEE? THE BOY REPLIED, I SAW FUCKING
ANGERED THE JUDGE YELLED, THERE WILL BE NO VULGAR LANGUAGE IN MY COURTROOM! GET OUT!
THE SECOND TEEN TOOK THE STAND. THE JUDGE ASKED SON, WHAT DID YOU SEE? TO WHICH THE BOY REPLIED, I SAW FUCKING TOO
AGAIN THE JUDGE YELLED, THERE WILL BE NO VULGAR LANGUAGE IN MY COURTROOM! NOW GET OUT!!
A BIT NERVOUS THE THIRD TEEN TOOK THE STAND. SON, WHAT DID YOU SEE? ASKED THE JUDGE ON THE EDGE OF HIS SEAT A BIT ANNOYED. THE BOY TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND REPLIED,
I SAW PANTS DROPPING TO THE KNEES,
BALLS SWAYING IN THE BREEZE, DICK GOING IN AND OUT. I CALL THAT FUCKING, YOU GONNA KICK ME OUT?

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."
"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.
"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."
"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature."
"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed cd-rom."
"42x-speed CD-Rom?" queries the judge.
"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."
"And I suppose most of this information is more...

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout more...