Minute Jokes

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But more...

A man, trying very hard to understand the nature of God, asks Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
"A million years is like a minute," God replies.
The man then asks, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" "A million dollars is like a penny," God replies.
After thinking for a moment, the man asks, "God, could you give me a penny?"
"In a minute!" replies God.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so more...

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of more...

Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, "Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?"
The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never heard. "You shiftless bum! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you! You should be ashamed!"
The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, "Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal."
The hobo was ecstatic! "Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!" So the owner said, "OK, go around back. You'll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you'll have a meal." The hobo wasted no time and scurried around more...