Crack Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him,' 'I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears,' 'Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,' 'Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

"Least Popular Christmas Carols" (as sung by the Late Show Carolers)
As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
"I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
"Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
"Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
"Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
"Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
"O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
"Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
"I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
"O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
"Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt, so I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me! "

"Johnny!" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad!" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault! There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Lee who was sitting next to me saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't more...

TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I havesucceeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. Thefollowingis a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot15 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 timesyou just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake more...

Top 10 Reasons For Being Irish
The Guinness is great
The crack is great
You won't get in a crack unless you marry them
You can't have sex with a condom on
Thus you must have sex without one on
No one can ever remember the night before
If you don't agree with me I'll blow you up
The stew is great
The Murphy's is great
Er...Best pop down the pub and have a think