Criminal Jokes / Recent Jokes
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about more...
While in a very exclusive jewelry store, the shoplifter was caught attempting to steal a watch.
"Look," said the shoplifter, "Neither of us want any trouble. How about I just buy the watch and we can forget all about this?"
Agreeing, the manager made up a sales slip. The shoplifter looked at the slip and said, "Actually, this is a little more than I had intended to spend. Could you show me something a little less expensive?"
A Collection of Lawyer Jokes
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the more...
An escaped convict broke into a home and tied up the young couple who had been sleeping in their bedroom.
As soon as the husband had the opportunity, he turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just do as he says and cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Darling," the wife hissed, as she spit out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security police money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 pm, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be more...