Criminal Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little old lady appearing before the judge on a murder charge was explaining the events that led up to the crime.
"Your Honor, I'm 85 years old. I was sitting out on my porch enjoying a beautiful Spring evening when a young man crept up and sat down beside me. He began to rub my thigh and it felt very good.
Then, Your Honor, he began to rub my poor, old breasts. My goodness, I hadn't felt that good in years so I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, take me, young man!"
The old woman continued, "Next thing I knew, the bastard yelled out "April Fool" and that, Your Honor, is when I shot the son of a bitch!"

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is,
the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?

Knock KnockWhos there! Burglar! Burglar who? Burglars dont knock!

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. "Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly. "You must think Im daft," said the officer. "You stand here and Ill get it."