Crossing Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you more...

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What`s in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we`ll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won`t say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" more...

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road …
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4. 9999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the more...

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a big black lab in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the lab is back again.

He walks over to the lab, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the lab's mouth, there is a 20 dollar bill.

So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the lab's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes.

The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher more...

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore - where a tree blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for more...

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags? ”, asked the guard.
“Sand, ” said the cyclist.
“Get them off - we’ll take a look, ” said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word - but what is it you were smuggling? ” “Bicycles! ”

GENERAL Gul Hasan who served both under Mr M. A. Jinnah and Zulfi Bhutto recounts the two men's behaviour at a railway level crossing and at a traffic signal in his Memoirs:

'On one of these drives, the rail crossing at Malir was shut and our car stopped. I looked around and saw that the train was some distance away, so I went to the gatekeeper and asked him to let us go through, of course, telling him who was in the car.

He obliged. I returned to my seat next to the driver, Aziz, and told him to move on. He answered that the Quaid-i-Azam had told him to stay put. Just then the Governor-General told me to go and tell the gatekeeper to close the gate. I did as I was bid and resumed my seat.

He then said, "Gul, do you know why I told the driver not to move the car?" I replied,' No, sir.' He said the reason was simple: "If I do not obey the law, how should I expect others to do so?" This brief statement affected me more...