Data Jokes / Recent Jokes

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses. 1. Freudian VirusYour computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive. 2. Lorena Bobbit VirusTurns your hard disk into a 3. 5 inch floppy. 3. Tonya Harding VirusTurns your. BAT files into lethal weapons. 4. Paul Revere VirusWarns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:5. Hillary Rodham Clinton VirusInstantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg. 6. Ollie North VirusPlays a patriotic. WAV while it shreds your files. 7. Joey Buttafuaco VirusOnly attacks minor files. 8. Ronald Reagan VirusSaves your data, but forgets where it's stored. 9. Jane Fonda VirusAttacks your hard drive's FAT. 10. Oprah Winfrey VirusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly more...

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"It has long been known..."
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident..."
These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions..."
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..."
The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown..."
This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report..."
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience..."
Once.
"In case after case..."
Twice.
"In a series more...

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper."IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference."A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless."WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published."THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense."TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph."THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded."IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once."IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice."IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice."IT IS more...

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You`re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It`ll be back.

AT & T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you`re paying too much for the AT & T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we`re not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer`s involvement in other computer`s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The more...

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must more...

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through more...

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.

Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P. E. N. C. I. L.).

This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P. E. N. C. I. L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without more...