Dave Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave.She was ugly as shitand missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin? ”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no, ” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team. ”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser”.
“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them. ”
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey, ” she says, “Want your usual table dance? ”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he more...

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and
danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the Christmas Tree and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, you would more...

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.
"Condom???", I asked.
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The more...

Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain.
The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".
"But I still don't see the difference," said the old man.
The owner explained, "The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average."
"You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak more...

Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cheese-filled weenies
Raise financial backing for my one man ice show - "Davecapades!"
Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle
Tape all the NFL games on CBS
Return camera number 3 to NBC
(Here, Dave shows camera number 3 - with an NBC logo on the side)
Stop laughing every time I say "The Fox Network"
Have applause sign installed in my bedroom
To always remain loyal to this fine network - unless another network comes up with some more money
Learn to teeterboard nude
(This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding naked)
Four words: Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most more...