Dave Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the mans friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing."Whats so funny?" the bartender asked."That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "Hes so drunk, he thinks hes me!"

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. Catherine

Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. Oscar more...

ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS - I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense: I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2! "Chicago, Windows 4. 0, Windows 95"?!?!?!? "Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!" #1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!! - Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!. . Bugs come in through open Windows.. . Windows NT Performance", on the next "In Search Of" After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot. Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows. Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3. 1. Bugs come in through Open Windows Chernobyl used Windows Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows! Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. Windows Error #F99 - CPU too tired to continue... Error Loading Windows: (A)bort more...

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."
"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

two golfers out playing golf, dave says to chas can i get a light for my cigarette, sure says chas, in my golf bag. he looks in the golf bag and sees a 12 inch bic lighter, lights his cigarette and asks why such a big lighter, havent u seen my genie replies chas, hes in my golf bag.dave looks in his golf bag and sure enough a genie appears.i am your masters best friend, says dave, can you grant me 1 wish. sure said the genie, and what do you wish for, i wish for a million pounds, said dave . your wish is my command said the genie.next minute one million hounds come running up the golf course towards dave and chas. whats this says dave, i asked for a million pounds not a million hounds, is your genie hard of hearing or what. chas replies, do you honestly think i asked for a twelve inch bic?

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps more...

There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shitand missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!