Dave Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What kind is it?

Dave: Twelve-thirty.

Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond.
"John is that you?" Dave asked.
"Yes, it's me," John replied.
"This is unbelievable" Dave exclaimed. " So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven."
"Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."

A friend of mine (Dave) told me this story over the summer,
and swore up and down that it's true (he says he witnessed it).
It sounds a little far-fetched, but is amusing nonetheless.
Here's the story:
Dave was standing in the parking lot of a 7-11 store when this
guy walked out of the store with a six pack (of beer he assumed)
in a brown paper sack. The guy walked between two cars and when
he did, the bag lightly touched one of the cars. As it turned
out, a guy and his girlfriend were sitting in the car, and the
boyfriend (trying to impress his girlfriend) got out of the car
and started bitching at this beer-guy for scratching his car. So
the beer-guy apologized but the boyfriend kept on ranting.
After a while, the beer-guy said, "If it'll make you feel any
better, go over and kick a few dents in my truck" and pointed to a
beat up pickup truck across the parking lot.
So the boyfriend
went over and started more...

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know more...

Having theirr wedding reception in the same
hotel, and the two grooms, John and Dave, are having a few
beers together at the bar.
"I bet I make love to my wife tonight more times than you make
love to yours" says John.
"Never. I'll bet $50 my wife wakes up more satisfied than yours"
says Dave.
"Right, you're on. But how will we tell which one of us has
won?" says John.
"Easy. When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, just order
the same number of slices of toast as number of times you
made love." says Dave.
The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both
grooms are smiling as the waiter comes to take the order.
John leans over - "I'll have a full English breakfast, and SIX
slices of toast" he smiles, winking at Dave.
Dave leans over, and says in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full
English breakfast and SEVEN slices of toast -- and more...

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says,' 'Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.' 'Oh no,'' says Dave.' 'He's on my bowling team.'' When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,' 'You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.''' 'No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.' 'Hi, Davey,'' she says,' 'Want your usual table dance?'' Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. more...

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."
"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow.