Dave Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 51. One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you're not really screwing in a light bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will then ask where to find.

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?""Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave."Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

Dave was a bit of a nut who enjoyed making obscene phone calls. His biggest pleasure is making such calls to kindergarten teachers. He'll find a lonely telephone booth, dial the number of a teacher, and exclaim - "Is this Mrs. Jones, the kindergarten teacher at P. S. 41?" When the teacher answers yes, Dave goes into his act..."Wee-ee, poo-poo ca-ca!"

A man named Dave finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bankrupt and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he turns to God for help and begins to pray... "Please help me, God. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and he doesn't win.
Again, he prays... "God, please let me win the lotto. I've already lost my business, my house, and now I'm going to lose my car too."
Lotto night comes and still he has no luck.
Once again, he prays... "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My family is starving. I don't ask you for help often and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one time so I will be able to get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Dave is confronted by the more...

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she more...

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."
Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?
Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."
"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"
"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."
"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"
What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.
Later that night, when Dave gets home late, more...

"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The more...