David Jokes / Recent Jokes

A CBS producer, claiming knowledge of sexual relationships between David Letterman and female staffers, has been indicted for trying to extort $2 million from him.
What an idiot! He could have gotten twice that money extorting the female staffers!

name: email:
heading:
body: Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said
6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when more...

A team of archaeologists discovered a slab of rock with five figures carved on it, in the following order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
Following months of study, the team leader took the rock on a lecture tour. He said that although the carvings were thousands of years old, they revealed a great deal about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicates that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
The donkey was probably used to till their fields. The shovel indicates they were highly intelligent, since they knew how to make tools. The fish reveals they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man seated in the front row managed to get the speaker's attention. When acknowledged, he said, "I apologize for blowing your conclusions, more...

This headline is actually a misprint. and should read:

David Schwimmer makes "directing" debut with "comedy"

Competition
Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that`s a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I`ve got one in my Yugo!"
David, the driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
Shlomo goes on, "That`s great! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
David, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
"Say," persists Shlomo, "Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately drove off straight more...

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:
1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing more...

Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box

Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.

Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria

Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards