Dead Jokes / Recent Jokes

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees a fly on the table. He swats it and leaves. Abother kid walks in, sees the dead fly and says, "Hey, cool, wings." So he pulls off the wings and leaves. Another kid comes in, sees the fly, and says, "Hey look! Legs!" So he pulls off the legs and leaves. A third kid comes in and he also sees the dead fly. He leans over to look at it and pulls of its head. Then the first kid comes back, sees it and says, "Hey, look, a raisin," and he eats it.

A little girl is about to go to sleep, and she says her prayers:
"God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace."
The next day, her dog falls down, stone dead.
About a week later, she is again about to go to bed, and she prays:
"God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace."
During school the following day, her brother drops dead.
A while after that, she is about to go to bed, when she prays:
"God bless mummy, and may daddy rest in peace."
The next morning, her mother opens the door, and finds the milkman dead on the doorstep.

HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (as answered by primary school students)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, like maybe if they were yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO more...

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".

Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a trick question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was more...

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp. "Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?" " Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist," the young biologist told the worried man. "Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town." "Ok, put him here on the table." The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing. "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead." "No, I more...

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company`s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it". At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer`s microphone. "Where is my father?" he asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa. Clever Guest laughed. "Actually", he said, "My father is dead"! It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question more...