Dead Jokes / Recent Jokes

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, more...

Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree? 'cause he was dead...Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree? 'cause he was dead too...Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree? peer pressure...

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'... and it didn't move."

"Commandments 11-20: Moses Strikes Back"

"Three Men and a Sheep"

"Rocky 10: Rocky Fights Irregularity"

"Police Academy IX: Beating A Dead Horse"

"Babe II: Side of Bacon"

"Showgirls 2001: A Silicone Odyssey"

"Dumbo: First Blood"

"Waterworld 2: The Red Ink Sea"

"Eliminating Raoul"

"Home Alone 4: Under House Arrest"

"Dead Man Rotting"

"Driving Miss Daisy's Hearse"

"Pee Wee's Felonious Adventure"

"Lawrence of Bolivia"

"Kickboxer 3: Right in the Groin!"

"Weekend At Bernie's 3: Starting to Reek"

"To Kung Fu, Thanks For Everything, David Carradine"

"CoDependence Day"

"The Englishman Who Drove Into L.A. a Hugh and more...

On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.

The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to see a man making love to the corpse.

"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, that woman is dead!"

"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. "I thought she was an American girl."

There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.
The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"
Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, "When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"
He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.
Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.
Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.
Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird... she threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves... she fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die, drinking milk... the cow stepped on her. How did the blonde burn her nose... bobbing for french fries. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month... the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds". Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops... so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do men like blonde jokes... it is one thing they can understand. Why do blondes like lightning... they think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces... from eating with forks. Why do blondes have more fun... they are easier to keep amused. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides... an interpreter. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer... frosted flakes. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a more...