Dead Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q. What did the pink panther say when he steped on an ant?
A. "Dead ant, dead ant... dead ant, dead ant, dead ant..."
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.
"Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?"
If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs,
however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single more...
Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:
A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. more...
Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. more...
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to more...
There was this blind man on an airplane and while he was up in the air, the two pilots that were flying died. This man felt the plane rocking more than normal so he went up to the cock-pit and asked what was wrong and got no answer. He reached down and felt one of the pilots pulse, and then moved him to the floor and got on the radio and yelled, "Mayday, mayday, I'm a blind man, my pilots are dead, I can't fly and the plane is upside down."
Someone answers and says, "Okay sir, now you said you were blind. How can you tell that the pilots are dead and that you're flying upside down?"
The blind man said, "Well I felt for their pulse and they had none. And the way I can tell that the plane is flying upside down is I can feel the crap running down my neck!"
A boy and his girl friend were driving down an old country road late at night in the dead of winter one time. Suddenly they came upon a dead skunk lying in the middle of the road. There was a little baby skunk sitting next to the dead skunk. Well, with a soft heart the girl ask the boy to stop. He stopped and the girl went out and got the baby skunk. As they drove on down the road the girl said he is shivering, what can I do? Well, the boy said wrap your scarf around him. She tried that but then said he is still shivering what can I do? Well, he said. Everyone knows the warmest spot on a woman is between her legs, tuck him in there. She thought for a minute then ask, what about the odor? The boyfriend replied just hold the little fellers nose!!!