Dead Jokes / Recent Jokes

This was unveiled by scientists as "The Funniest Joke in the World":
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

During the Israeli-Arab war, the Arabs were getting slaughtered. Their general called his men together, look men we have to take drastic action. Shoot on sight any Israelis, no questions asked.
It was getting late. A very young Israeli man comes wandering down the path towards the Arab camp.
The Arabs decide to have some fun. Look, we're supposed to execute you but we'll let you go if you pass 3 tests.
There are 3 tents, in the first is a bottle of liquor, which you must drink completely without stopping.
In the second is the Sheik's favorite lion who has had a thorn in his paw for 3 days and no one has been able to get close enough to get it out. You must remove the thorn.
In the third is the Sheik's favorite wife. She has not been happy in a long time. You must satisfy her.
The young man cautiously approaches the first tent, enters and they hear him chugging the entire bottle in one long breath. He stumbles out feebly and on to the next tent.
The Arabs more...

Q: What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? A: "Dead ant, Dead Ant. .. Dead ant, Dead Ant. . Dead Ant" (to the tune of Pink Panther theme).

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar more...

A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife sneered in reply, "Over my dead body !" He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you haven't changed one little bit."

Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)
(Tune, Blackbird)

Cesium burning in the dead of night.
Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.
All my life,
I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.

Cesium burning on a lake of ice.
Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.
All your life,
You were only waiting for some water to arise.

Cesium burn.
Cesium burn.
Give your light to this coal black night.

--- Songs of Cesium #133

Some Warning Signs of Insanity- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.- You collect dead windowsill flies.- Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"- You like cats. Especially with mayo.- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.- You wake up each more...