Dear Jokes / Recent Jokes

The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter: Dear Mom and Dad: Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t! But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home. Love
Your $on
After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:

Dear Son: NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble. Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left. Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time. Have to go NOw. Mom & Dad

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

A couple, concerned with speaking of sex in front of their children, decided to rename "sex" with the words "washing machine."
Each time one of the two decided to entice the other, they would say, "How about some washing machine, dear?"
Well, one night, the husband was feeling quite amorous and asked his wife for a little washing machine, but the wife refused on the grounds of having a headache.
After a while, the wife reconsidered the husband's request thinking of allowing herself to have a headache interrupt their sexual activities. So, the wife awoke her husband and offered to participate in a little washing machine action.
The husband rolled over, facing his wife, and declared, "No, that's ok, dear. It was a small load anyway, so I did it out by hand."

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities more...

Sandra's wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and she wasn't going to allow anything to dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother, Theresa, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
Several days later, Sandra was horrified to discover that her stepmother, Caroline, had purchased the same dress. She asked Caroline to exchange the dress, but Caroline refused. "Absolutely not! Caroline exclaimed. "I'm going to wear this dress and I'm going to look like a million in it!"
Sandra told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear, I'll get another dress. After all, it's YOUR special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Sandra asked her mother, "Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
With a more...

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"