Death Jokes / Recent Jokes

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to... or after death.
This new benefit program started yesterday.
THE MANAGEMENT

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could more...

A MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE.
SUDDENLY YAMA (God of Death) APPEARED & SAID, "GO OUT & ENJOY.
NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS."
HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED.
IN HELL, HE ASKED YAMA, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.
YAMA REPLIED, " SORRY SON, MONTH END, HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET.. "

A Collection of Lawyer Jokes



An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the more...

During the reign of Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty, the articles of tribute received by the imperial court included a jar of wine which was supposed to give the drinker eternal life. It so happened that Dongfang Shuo drank a mouthful of it on the sly. The Emperor was so angry when he learnt about this that he wanted to put Dongfang Shuo to death. "The wine I drank, Your Majesty, " pleaded Dongfang Shuo, "was supposed to give me eternal life. I wouldn't die even if Your Majesty put me to death. If I should die, then the wine is not the genuine stuff it was supposed to be." The Emperor was so amused that he pardoned Dongfang Shuo.

I LEAVE:To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.And lastlyTo the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you? Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Were you alone or by yourself? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. more...