December Jokes / Recent Jokes
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2
"Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily more...
Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department
From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
- Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
- Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
- The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
- The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
- Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking
- The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers
- The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought
- The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
- The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
- Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete
- The Miami Herald, July more...
Long, but really funny... from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1: 00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. 00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our more...
To All Retired Military Personnel
Subject Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa
Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will
govern activities of personnel during this visit
1. No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all
native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly
room.
2. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220
hours. Uniform for nap pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief,
general purpose.
3. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their
heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.
4. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care.
Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual
sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours,
22 more...
Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDecenber 8th 6: 00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll more...
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe. A bird dog could be called a point setter. James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher. What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? It's a matter of a pinion! It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column. 1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____. 2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____. 3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____. 4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on _____ _____. 7. A holy man more...