Defendant Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.

"Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: more...

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”“Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice
him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t
even smile at the judge.”Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip
about the cigars. It worked!”“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”“But I did send them.”“What?? You did???”
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can`t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: more...

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That`s correct," replies the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her." "That`s correct," replies the defendant. "Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" "It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"

the judge said to the defendant at the end of the trial "HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE I PASS SENTANCE, YES YOUR HONOR REPLIED THE DEFENDANT, AS GOD IS MY JUDGE I AM NOT GUILTY. WELL SAID THE JUDGE HE ISNT. IAM. YOU ARE 12MONTHS

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case! ” The defendant answered, “No, we won. ”