Defense Jokes / Recent Jokes

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old more...

A man took the witness stand in his own trial in an effort to defend himself of a murder charge. "Sir," His lawyer began, "You are openly confessing to murdering Ms. Johnson, are you not?"
"Yes Sir, I am!"
"And yet at the same time, you are proclaiming your total inocence of all charges, Is that not correct?" His lawyer pursued.
"That is correct!" the man replied.
"Was this a case of self defense?"
"Definitely a case of self defense! She really intended to punish me!"
"Really? In what way was she going to punish you?"
"She asked me to marry her!!"
"Not Guilty!!!" Exclaimed the Judge! "Case dismissed!!!"

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" Sheresponded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why yes, I do. I' ve known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal more...

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station-a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with more...

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station-a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with more...

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Friday that the United States is "not planning for a war with Iran."

"We didn't plan for the one in Iraq and we're not planning for this one." said Gates

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -it went like this:Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene.Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life.Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station-a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do.Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do.Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir.Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a more...