Devil Jokes / Recent Jokes

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the newly arrived area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears. The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses. The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!""Sorry," replies the devil, "thats flight attendants hell."

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.
“I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity. ”
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, “What’s the catch? ”

A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, Jack has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."

There were three kids on a sidewalk wondering what they should do. Suddenly, the Devil appeared and said, "Whatever your father does for a living, I will do to your penis."
He walked up to one kid. He started to cry. "What does your dad do?" the Devil asked.
"He is a meat butcher" said the boy. So the Devil butchered his penis.
He walked up to another kid who was crying also. "What does your father do for a living?"said the Devil.
"He is a carpenter." said the boy. So the Devil drove nails and hammered his penis to the ground.
Finally, he walked up to the third boy. The boy was laughing very hard. "What does your father do?" said the Devil.
"He is a lolly-pop tester!"

One lovely Sunday morning while the pastor was preaching the devil came to break up the party. Everyone in the church was going crazy, they were all scared. Only one older man was still sitting in his pew. The devil was puzzled and he asked the man why he was not scared of him. The old man told the devil, because I have been married to your sister for 46 years.

There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven. Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell more...

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"