Die Jokes / Recent Jokes

Santa: If I die will u remarry?
Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Santa: No, I'll also stay with ur sister

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12: 01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I more...

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor what did you do on Earth? The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, you may go in. St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her you may go in. St. Peter asked the third man, what did you do? The man hung his head and replied, I ran a large HMO. To which St. Peter replied, you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.

Cesium Glows
(Tune, Love's a Rose - Neil Young)

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
It's fire grows when it's on the tongue.
Lips full of holes, you'll know you've kissed it,
Just take a bite if you want to die young.

I want to see what's never been seen,
I want to dream that Cesium dream.
Come on love, we can glow together,
Let's eat it all right now.
Take a bite right now.

I want to lie in a hole in the ground,
Six feet deep, and twelve feet' round.
Sky blue light around me shinin',
Pale blue worms upon me dinin'.

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
It's fire grows when its on your tongue.
Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,
Gimme a spoon' cause I wanna die Young.

---Songs of Cesium #109

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you`re drunk. I`m going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I`m a severe asthmatic, and I don`t have my inhaler with me... if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah... well, this is more invasive, but if you won`t submit to a breathalyzer, I`m going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I`m a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can`t give blood... I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I`m going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I can`t do that, I`m drunk."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do." "Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he does'nt get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "You're going to die".

There are a Couple of things you should know
When I'm born, I'm black
When I grow up, I'm black
When I go in the sun, I'm black
When I'm cold, I'm black
When I'm sick, I'm black
And when I die, I'm still black.
You white fella
When you're born, you're pink
When you grow up, you're white
When you go in the sun, you're red
When you're cold, you're blue
When you're scared, you're yellow
When you're sick, you're green
And when you die, you're gray.
And you have the nerve to call me colored???