Die Jokes / Recent Jokes

When I die, bury me on my stomach and let the world kiss my ass.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too." Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely more...

A cowboy is riding his horse through old Oklahoma, when all of a sudden he is captured by a tribe of indians. He is taken to their camp. The indian chief who can speak English tells the cowboy he is going to die in three days. The chief also says that since he has a big heart, he is going to give the cowboy one wish for every day until he dies, making it a total of three wishes.

For his first wish, he tells the chief he wants to talk to his horse. His horse is brought to him and he whispers something in the horse's ear and it takes off. It returns about an hour later with a beautiful woman on his back. The cowboy is furious and cusses the horse out and throws the women in his tent.

The second day he also says he wants to talk to his horse again. He whispers in the horses ear again and it takes off. It returns with another more beautiful woman. The cowboy is outraged and hits the horse and throws the women in his tent.

The last day the chief tells him more...

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last" & &

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his
sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

From Matt Groening's very funny "Big Book Of Hell", here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters: If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i. e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode. Dogs and bees can smell fear. Nothing's impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second. If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk. There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants. If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up. Rain is just God peeing on you. If you die in your dream, you will die. Adults are really Martians, and they're up to no good.