Directions Jokes / Recent Jokes

HER DIRECTIONS:
80....(SF)....just after the weight station near Cordelia (i think) will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take it.....follow it all the way thru.....till you end up in Fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint i think it is....i don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a left to go to death valley....you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln. ..well...turn right....follow that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old bluewood hwy....turn right on old bluewood.....follow it more...

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

There are theses three girls one is a blonde one is a red head and one is a burnette.
Which one jumps off frist?
Not the blond she had to stop and ask for directions

Having not seen an elderly church member for a number of years, the priest decided to pay her a visit. After welcoming him and inviting him in, she went into the kitchen to prepare some tea. While he was waiting for her to return, he looked around the room and caught sight of a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and had a condom floating in it.
Astonished and shocked, the priest turned away, but curiosity was getting to him. When the woman came back from the kitchen he asked her about it.
Quite enthusiastically, she explained, "While I was in town about a year ago, I found a package on the sidewalk. I picked it up and read the directions on the back. They said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease'. I do believe it works, afterall, I haven't had a cold all winter."

Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder
on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can
understand what they're saying.
When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's
ready when you are!"
Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it,
raise a ruckus.
Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g.
Lisa Marie - John Michael - Jim Bob...you get the idea)
Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always
interject that "there was nothing civil about more...

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and more...

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why: First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat." What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup. If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair. The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and more...