Director Jokes / Recent Jokes
Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources more...
The Oscars are here! The Oscars are here!
The single greatest night of year is coming, and that means it's time for me to tell you who will win! I'm good, you know it. Last year, I told you James Coburn would win, and you all laughed, and he won. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME?
Many of you cling to the belief that the Oscar goes to the most deserving nominee. Get over yourself. Oscars have nothing to do with talent and everything to do with marketing. With that in mind, here is the list of who will win.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR OK, everyone loved the little kid in Sixth Sense. But the last time the Academy gave an award to a damn kid (Anna Paquin from The Piano) she vanished off the face of the Earth to concentrate on a spelling bee. Face it, they ain't gonna give an award to anyone who still worships the Power Rangers. How about Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile? Too tall. Jude Law? Forget it, his name's Jude.
There are really only two possible more...
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign: 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for more...
A guy named Penis von Lesbian came from Austria to America to become an actor.
He went to lots of auditions, but never got a job.
Finally one director took him aside and said,' Son, the only reason we're turning you away is your name. If you want to make it in this town, you gotta change the name!'
But Penis von Lesbian said:' I can't do that! This is my name!'
The director said:' Suit yourself!' and went on his way.
Years and years later, their paths crossed again. The director said,' I remember you! You're Penis von Lesbian! Did you ever get around to changing your name?'
The actor said,' Yes, and it helped! Now I go by Dick Van Dyke.'
"Tell me," said the personnel director of a large corporation, "are you an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replied. "Let me tel you something. My lather lent me ten thousant dollars for my education, and I paid him back d| full after my very first case."
"I'm impressed," he said. "And what case was that?"
The attorney squirmed slightly. "He sued me for the money."
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."
A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing? ” “No, ” she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. “It must be blue. ” When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He said, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads. ”