Director Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go more...

At a school play three kids wore a mask and a long sheet covering their bodies. One kid was black, one kid was white and the other kid was from Iraq. The mothers walked in the play director said can I help you, the mothers said, we come for our kids. The director said, how can you identify your child. The black lady said the kid with the sandwhich is mine, the white lady said the kid with the rope is mine, the lady from Iraq said the kid with play gun is mine.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director:' How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'

'Well,' said the Director,' we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.' A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
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No.' said the Director,' A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.

"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the director. "But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him."

The great man is humbled, "God wants ME to direct a film?"

"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare."

The director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?"

"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."

"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.

"Your Production Designer will be more...

(Told to me by a fellow performer...)
A famous film director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly
Gates. He is greeted by St. Peter, who is delighted to see him.
Peter: "Great! We were waiting for you! God's making a movie, and we need a
director."
Director: "No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for thirty years, and
I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else."
Peter: "But you don't understand. We have a script by Shakespeare."
Dir: "Sounds great...I'll see it opening night. I won't do it."
Peter: "Our set design is a collaborative effort between Leonardo DaVinci and
M.C. Escher."
Dir: "Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next time."
Peter: "It's a Bach score! C'mon, you've gotta do it!"
Dir: "You tempt me, Peter...."
Peter: "Here's the clincher: You've got an open budget, a tech crew known for
getting more...

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.

"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."

The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"

"Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford."

"You got Robert Redford?" the director asks.

"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing role."

"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.

"No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a great voice. AND we've got more...

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to
time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. ..
Do you want a room with or without a view?"