Dirty Jokes / Recent Jokes

A newly married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman say "you foreigners? Come in my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam aleekem!" (hello in English) So the couple walked in. The bazaar merchant says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, "I don't think I really need them." But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, "So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal.?"

The merchant smiled and replied "Just try them on, my friend, trust me!" Well, in more...

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.

Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to fuck me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my more...

A man had an accident, so he was rushed to the hospital The doctor had to perform an instant operation, due to his injuries.
The man was wounded on the face and a deep scar was formed on his skin, but under his bushy beard.
The doctor shaved off a part of the man's beard and then performed the surgery.
Afterwards, the doctor performed more surgery to replace the missing part of the beard, so he would look good as new. The doctor cut off some of the man's pubic hair and planted it surgically on the man's face where the beard was missing.
The patient awakened and then after 2-3 days, he was discharged and he went back home.
After six months, the patient came to the hospital to talk to the doctor who performed his operation.
The patient said,' 'Doc, everything is okay, but a peculiar thing has happened to me many times.''
The doctor asks,' 'What is happening?''
The patient replies,' 'Whenever I scratch my beard, my penis gets erect!''

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters." So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "Thats what you need." So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said Pinocchio.

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which more...

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Ted said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.

"Straight, like normal," Ed said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."

"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

The nymphomaniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem -- every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."

Her friend asks "What are you doing about it?"

"Sniffing pepper" The Nympho replies