Door Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, more...

The woman cocked her ear. "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great" he said "I'll just slip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hand in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied. "But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "The little bastards!"

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain. "Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife."Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out." "Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?""Yes," comes the more...

How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."

One evening during the Spring of 1957 Bobby, a hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. He goes to the front door and the girl's father answers, inviting him in.
"Carrie's not quite ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"Cool," Bobby replies.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what their plans are. Bobby politely says that they'll probably go to a movie or the soda shop.
"Why don't the two of you go out and screw?" Carrie's father says. "I hear all the kids are doing it."
Of course, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Oh yeah," says Carrie's dad, "our Carrie really likes to screw. If we'd let her, she'd screw all night long."
Hearing this makes Bobby's eyes light up and his plan for the evening is starting to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie enters the room in her poodle skirt and tells Bobby that she's ready to go. A little more...

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?"
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the more...

Once upon a time there was a chicken. This chicken was very fat and made lots of noise. One day this chicken made so much noise that a farmer came and cut the chicken's head off. Although most chickens would run around once their head was cut off, this chicken would not. Instead, it dropped dead. The end.
Once upon a time a computer dude named Eric went to the store to buy some food. Little did he know that when he went to get the chicken for his stir fry, the chicken he actually got was the hero/victim in the previous story. When the chicken had hit the ground, it had picked up a disease. The flesh eating bacteria that caused you to rot away in agony in less than 24 hours. Although young David's life was about to end, he would be remembered for a long time as the first one to contract the "David" virus. As David cooked the diseased poultry, little did he know, that the chicken was diseased in the first place. As he cooked it, it did not destroy the virus. He ate it more...