Doors Jokes / Recent Jokes

Prison life versus a full-time jobIn prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.In prison you get three meals a day.At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.In prison you get time off for good behavior.At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.In prison you can watch TV and play games.At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.At work you are just ball-and-chained.In prison you get your own toilet.At work you have to share.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors more...

Prison v. Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' by 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' by 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you more...

One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting
he's cheating on her) questions his whereabouts...
Wife: "Where were you??"
Man: "I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden"
Wife: "Sure you were. There's no such place!"
Man: "There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even
golden urinals!"
Wife: "Oh, I BELEIVE you 100%"
So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar.
She's surprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides
to call up and check this out for herself...
Wife: "Is this the Golden Bar?"
Bartender: "Yes it is.."
Wife: "Do you have huge golden doors?"
Bartender: "Yes we do..."
Wife: "Do you have golden floors??"
Bartender: "We have them, too..."
Wife: "What about golden more...

Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground.

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of' stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels"

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger m*st*rb*ting on more...

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. more...

A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery."You`ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?""What`s the difference?" asked the jeweller."Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.""Come to think of it, I couldn`t see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."