Downstairs Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a woman was sat in her house and the dorbell rang, she answerd it and it was jesus, he walked straight to the bedroom and had sex with the woman and once again the boorbell rang the woman thought it might have been her husband so she told jesus to get in the wardrobe and she want downstairs and opened the door and god was stood there, he walked to the bedroom and had sex with the woman and once again the doorbell rang so she told god to get on top of the wardrobe and she want downstairs and opend the door and this time it was her husband they went upstairs and had sex and after that her husband went to put some clothes on and saw jesus and he grabbed jesus by the shirt and threatened to kill im and jesus said " oh, God above " and God shouted " you GRASS!!!"

Two monkeys entered a bar and ordered a couple of beer. The bartender was quite taken back since he had never served monkeys before. He quickly ran upstairs to the office to consult with his manager.
"Ted, there's a couple of monkeys downstairs ordering some beer. What do I do?" he said.
"Serve them, you idiot," the manager growled. "Hey, wait a minute. Monkeys are pretty dumb, so charge them double for their beer. They'll never know the difference."
The bartender went back downstairs, served the monkeys their beer, and charged them double the price. Later in the evening, the monkeys were still nursing the same beer while the bartender was tidying up. Curious about the furry creatures, the bartender said, "Say, we don't get a lot of monkeys in here."
The monkeys looked at each other, then back at the bartender, and one said, "Well, with prices like these, it's no wonder!"

“Aren’t you going to answer that? ” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there, ” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?? ” “No, get lost.
It’s half past three.
I was in bed, ” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?? ”
“But the guy was drunk, ” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter, ” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.
” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets more...

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. more...

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied.

"And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

"I would have been released today."

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again - the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a more...