Drunkard Jokes

A drunkard was coming home from a local liqour shop late at night. He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out.
As he neared his house he took out his key to open the lock, but he could not manage to put the key into the hole.
After trying this repeatedly, he was tired.
A neighbour who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said, "Give me the key I will get it open for you."
The drunkard looked for a while, and said to him, "The lock will be opened by me, but do me a favour, please hold the house firmly, while I do the rest. Damn it, it is shaking like a pendulum."

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says:
Hey, I see what your problem is!

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: Hey, I see what your problem is!

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Category: Situation
Body: A lecher, a drunkard and a smoker arrive at hell and the devil says to them:
"Don't worry, everything is happy here. To you, lecher, I am going to give you a full room of beautiful girls. To you, drunkard, I give you a thousand boxes of beer. And to you, smoker, I give you one ton of cigarettes. I will return after 10 years to see how you are."
The 10 years passed and the devil returns. The lecher, happily, says to the devil: "Give me more girls than these, they are already boring to me." Soon it's going to see the drunkard and, also happily, says to the devil: "Give me more beers. I have already finished all of them". At last, it's going to see the smoker. But the devil finds the smoker has gotten very upset, and asks him: "Why you are annoying if I have given one ton of cigarettes?"
Why was the smoker annoying, even if the devil had given him one ton of cigarettes?
Hint: Read carefully.