Drunker Jokes

"You are drunk!" shouts the barman of the Groggy Doggie Pub, at Paddy, who just has slipped gradually onto the confound again.

"I'm not drunk at all!" insists Paddy, picking himself up. "In fact, I'm not even drunk a little bit, and I'll prove it to you. Now, you see that cat just coming in the entrance? Well, it has only got one eye."

"You're drunker than I thought," says the barman. "That cat is going out!"

ACCORDING to the grapevine, Dr Norman Vincent Peale was wounded mentally at least on one occasion. A drunken young man addressed the author of The Power of Positive Thinking:' I want to know/ he lisped,' what is the difference between positive and negative thinking?'
Dr Peale was very polite.' Young man,' he is supposed to have answered,' if you will ask me that when you are sober, I shall be happy to tell you.'
'That's the trouble,' the young man mouthed.' When I am sober, I just don't give a damn.'

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, " OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, " Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
" Fine," said the genie, more...

A drunkard was coming home from a local liqour shop late at night. He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out.
As he neared his house he took out his key to open the lock, but he could not manage to put the key into the hole.
After trying this repeatedly, he was tired.
A neighbour who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said, "Give me the key I will get it open for you."
The drunkard looked for a while, and said to him, "The lock will be opened by me, but do me a favour, please hold the house firmly, while I do the rest. Damn it, it is shaking like a pendulum."

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. " I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says " Do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. " Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. " He did," says the drunk. " But he shit in my pants too."