During Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the winter of 1970-71 I worked as a janitor at a county courthouse in Upstate New York (it was Binghamton for those who care for the specifics). One of my tasks was to run the elevator - an old manual one with a lever to make it go up and down and not many safety features so you could stop it between floors for the fun of it.
Here is the sign I placed in that elevator during the holiday season:
"We wish you felicitations concomitant with your observance of the season and many propitious initions during the forthcoming twelvemonth."

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him arepeeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing outthe other fans. The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where hisgrotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the manin the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. Ifit disturbs you, I will move." "It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game." A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowingme to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has causedyou more...

Top 10 Things You Don`t Want to Hear During Surgery 1. Things you don`t want to hear during surgery: 2. Better save that. We`ll need it for the autopsy. 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 4. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what`s that? 6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there. 7. Oh no! Where`s my Rolex. 8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 9. There go the lights again? 10. "Ya know, there`s big money in kidneys? and this guy`s got two of `em."

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

There was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

A guy is in a phonebox and he sees an ad for a woman offering blowjobs whilst singing the national anthem. The guy fancies some of this, makes the appointment and goes round. The woman tells him that he must be blindfolded during the event as she does not want him to know her secret. The man agrees and a couple of minutes later he is enjoying the best blowjob of his life and the woman is singing her heart out in perfect soprano.

Several minutes later and the guy is in near delirium, suddenly the phone rings and the woman stops to answer it. She comes back and explains that there is an emergency and she will have to go. She says that she will only be gone a little while so the man is welcome to wait or he can make another appointment. He decides to wait and hears the woman leave. As time goes by the man starts to wonder how the woman was doing it. He did not hear her start a CD and the sound was definitely coming from his nether regions.

Time goes by and the woman more...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said. .."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with more...

How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays: Republican say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine. Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do more...