During Jokes / Recent Jokes

This Poor Innocent Guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30-minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the more...

And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays:
Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.

Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Cost-Co and more...

During a dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.During a moment of silence at the table, one of the children was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

Is It Better To Be A Jock Or A Nerd?
The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd"?
Michael Jordan made over $300, 000 a game. That equals $10, 000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178, 100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52, 000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9. 50, but he'll make $18, 550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7, 415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3, 710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90, 000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2. 00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice more...

1. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
2. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
3. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
5. This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've experienced. The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell more...

1) There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
2) Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
3) They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not..
4) Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
5) June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
6) Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
7) The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
8) Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
9) Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
10) There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
11) Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at more...

Jewish TraditionsDuring a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, more...