Early Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost."$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up. .. If I wasn't born a boy. ... I'd have
nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work. .. I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy. .. "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. .. put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid. ... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a more...

If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Tibet!
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4: 00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5: 00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his more...

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He *is* Santa Claus Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to voteon a method of determining each General's early retirementbonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10, 000 per inch. They called in the first General. He decide to havethem measure from the top of his head to the bottom of hisfeet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720, 000. The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretchedhis arms above his head, and asked them to measure from thetips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960, 000. The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom ofhis balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer. The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The more...