Earth Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."

God Meets BureaucracyIn the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was facedwith a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impactstatement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but wasstymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing atthe hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the firstplace. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded toknow how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What aboutthermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ballof fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assumingthat no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain abuilding permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half thetime. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness"Night." Officials replied that more...

Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town. He who farts in church, sits in own pew. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

She knew that these were to be her last few hours on this earth, so she called her husband to her side and in a halting voice told him her last request.
"I know," she said, "that you and Mother have never gotten along. But would you, as a special favor to me, ride to the cemetery in the same car with her?"
"All right," replied the unhappy husband, "but it will spoil my whole day."

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk thru airport turn stile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chop stick go hungry. Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. more...

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

The Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

The Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

The Devil said, "I think I know how I can get more...

On earth there is nothing great but man; in man there is nothing great but mind. A. Hamilton