Eat Jokes / Recent Jokes

A long time ago in a country far, far away...
Noah built his ark according to the instructions received, loaded it up with every animal under the sun, in pairs, and set off.
And it rained.
And it rained some more.
etc
etc
So, having sailed about for a couple of weeks, Noah has a problem. All these animals eat. And when they eat they prodeuce:
SHIT
Lots of shit.
More shit in one area than has ever been seen.
And every kind of shit.
Noah is in a quandry. So he gets all his sons together and tells them to collect all the shit they can and get it up on deck. Noah digs in too and they set about offloading a half a zillion tonnes of turd overboard.
And that would be the very unamusing end to our story if it were not for the actions of a chap we shall call Chris.
Who set sail, and in the year 1492 discovered it.

A husband was heard to confess that during the early months of his marriage, he was so much in love with his wife that he wanted to eat her.
As the years passed by, he increasingly regretted that he had not!

Sargeant Williams was the newest drill instructor at AOCS, Aviation Officer Candidate School and as such was always trying to impress his company commander and the other officers in the Command. Daily he was seen jumping all over his officer candidates and yelling at them as he supposedly developed them into future Naval Officers. We were lined up behind his company awaiting our turn to go into the mess hall for lunch. We all listened as Sargeant Williams yelled at his company, " you will eat in a military fashion, enjoy this delicious meal and fall by in formation at 1215, do you worms understand me?" "Yes drill sargeant." "There are only three rules in this galley, shut up, eat up and get up, do you pukes understand me?" "Yes drill sargeant." "Then proceed. Company forward march." When they got inside, they were surprised to see several Miss Florida contestants getting a tour of the mess hall. Not one to let an opportunity slip by more...

MONDAY:

BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth

LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.

AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox

DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don`t eat the coleslaw.

TUESDAY:

BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw

LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho`s.

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor? ”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage! ”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo! ”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you? ”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder! ”
1. Three words: eat the check.

Whenever I get a package of plain M Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its more...

A ghost joke
What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?
Sheet belts!

A ghost joke
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!

A cannibal joke
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said ”So that I can feed my lads with m’lasses!

A cannibal joke
Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet!

A ghost joke
Where do ghosts go on holiday?
The Ghosta Brava!

A vampire joke
Why wouldn’t the vampire eat his soup?
It clotted!

A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton run up a tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!