Eat Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why didnt the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
Martha Stewart vs Me...
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's more...
there are three santas 2 fake ones and the real santa
the first fake one goes into a hotell and says i need a room
the hotell clerk said we dont have any rooms butt a haunted
room and we dont rent that one out, the fake santa says
i dont believe in ghost's so when he got to his room
he heard a voice say I'M THE GHOST OF JEANIE WEINIE GIVEME
YOUR BALLS OR ELSE I'LL EAT YOUR WEINIE. the fake santa
jumped out the window. the second fake santa came in the
room and he heard a voice say I'M THE GHOST OF JEANI
WEINIE GIVE ME YOUR BALLS OUR ELSE ILL EAT YOUR WEINIE
and hejumped out the windom. then the real santa came in
and heard I'M THE GHOST OF JEANIE WIENIE GIVE ME YOUR
BALLS OR ELSE ILL EAT YOUR WIENIE. and he said "I'M THE
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST TOUCH MY BALLS I'LL KICK YOUR
ASS!
I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. .. eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...
There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle. A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew. They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew. They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes... seen plane crash". When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!"The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!"Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!"Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you.. you know... eat their... things?" The cheif says, "NO, you idoit!"... more...
Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.