Elderly Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderly widows were sitting on a park bench watching the people go by.
"You know, Rose," Maude said, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they seem to talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here, 'mutual orgasm' there. Tell me, when Fred was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Rose pondered the question for a few minutes, shook her head and replied, "No, Maude, I'm sure we had State Farm."

At a Senior Citizen luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down? " There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild more...

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away... the time to be spent doing chores every day.I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.I'll spill glasses of more...

An elderly man bursts into a priest`s study and says, " I`ve got to tell you this. I`m 90 years old and for the seventy years I`ve been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!" "How long has it been since your last Confession? " asks the priest. "I`ve never been to Confession. I`m Jewish" "Then why are you telling me this?" "I`m telling everyone!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and more...

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too..."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the elderly driver turned and said, "Look son, don't ever do that again. You scared the living crap out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. I just retired and today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 45 years."