Elderly Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing."Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!""Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?""Opened a can of peas instead!"
An elderly gentleman married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon.
The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program, as he was in a bad mood that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while.
A couple of hours later being excited for having sex, she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.
"What is the matter", he asked. She replied "This side of the bed is too hard, I want to lay on your side." He got up and walked around the bed, got in on her side and went to sleep.
A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She awoke him again. "What now?" He asked. She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side." Again he got up walked more...
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested that there be no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn`t take me out while I was alive, I don`t want them to take me out when I`m dead."
OLD WANTS never die, they become needsOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of timeOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwindOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind downOLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign foreverOLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorgedOLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballedOLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their gripOLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel overWALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animationThere is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, - but their future is doubtful
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?".The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?"."Sure!", says his buddy."Where did it go?", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."
After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hand called a brief recess and re-! tired to his chambers. En route, he bumpedj into Judge Foote.
"Say," said Hand, "what would you give sixty-three-year-old hooker?"
"Christ," replied Foote, "five or six bucks tops."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.""I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.""The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1. 37.""Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."