Employee Jokes / Recent Jokes

How many personnel managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to take out the old bulb, one to screw in the new bulb, and one to relocate the old bulb.

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, " What happened to your ears?"
He says, " Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, " Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, " Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.

5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the more...

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

He who hesitates is probably right.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you've
been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”“Thanks,” said the employee.“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”