Employee Jokes / Recent Jokes

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
" They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
" This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
" Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
" I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
" I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
" I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
" Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
". .. in Jesus' name. Amen."
You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different more...

INTELLIGENCE IS A BYPRODUCT OF EVOLUTION
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees more...

How do you know if your secretarys having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation.

"Diesel fitter", he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week. When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained: "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Skill!..."What skill?" yelled Sven.

"I sew the elastic on...

He pulls on it and more...

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4: 00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.

Let me guess. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost more...

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about anurgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to theyoungster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?""Yes," whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"Yes," came the answer."May I talk with her?"Again the small voice whispered, "No."Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left homealone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the personwho should be there watching over the child."Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child."Yes," whispered the child, "a more...