Employee Jokes / Recent Jokes

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these... Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible". When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle. Re-dress mannequins as you see fit. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares." Make a trail of orange juice on the more...

Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left_inner unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer more...

To All Employees,
The following company policies are effective immediately:-
HOLIDAYS: Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
SICK DAYS: A doctor's sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY: Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day's tasks are more...

If it rings, put it on hold.

If it clunks, call the repairman.

If it whistles, ignore it.

If it's a friend, stop work and chat.

If it's the Boss, look busy.

If it talks, take notes.

If it's handwritten, type it.

if it's typed, copy it.

If it's copied, file it.

If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!

Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won`t be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an more...

Work Environment:

(Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT

(Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION

(Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION

(Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about anurgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to theyoungster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice." May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" Yes," came the answer." May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left homealone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the personwho should be there watching over the child." Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child." Yes," whispered the child, "a more...